U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
