Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
