Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
