I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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