this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Randomize
