i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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