just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
