Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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