Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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