They should really pass out barf bags in church
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
