apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
