i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
