I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
