I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
