god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
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