any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
