These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
