i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
