I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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