Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Sober January is a disaster.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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