I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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