oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Randomize
