Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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