So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
