Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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