someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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