Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
