cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
