giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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