I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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