I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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