Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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