I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I FOUND THE LEGS
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
