so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
