Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
