I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
