I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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