"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
