I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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