im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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