I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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