we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
