She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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