Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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