so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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