That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
