So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
