Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
