i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
