i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
