I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
