That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
